As we prepare for classroom activities with children and conferences with families, we will find many helpful rationales and resources in Michele Borba's book, Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me-World. Along with this summary, find links to empathy-building activities. I recommend this book to teachers and families of students of all ages.
“But why should we want our kids to empathize? For starters, the ability to empathize
affects our kids’ future health, wealth, authentic happiness, relationship
satisfaction, and ability to bounce back from adversity. It promotes kindness, prosocial behaviors,
and moral courage, and it is an effective antidote to bullying, aggression,
prejudice, and racism. Empathy is also a
positive predictor of children’s reading and math test scores and critical
thinking skills, prepares kids for the global world, and gives them a job
market boost….
“Empathy is core to everything that makes a society
civilized, but above all it makes our children better people, and that’s why
I’m concerned. In the past decades, our
kids’ capacity to care has plummeted while self-absorption has skyrocketed, and
it puts humanity at stake. Today’s
culture values ‘Me’ more than ‘We.’”
(Michele Borba, from the introduction, p. xiv)
Summary: Readable, anecdotal, and practical, Michele
Borba asks families, teachers, and coaches who work with children to counter
“selfie society” and help children develop empathy and become “Unselfies.” Connecting empathy to quality of life,
personal achievement, and humanity’s future, Borba organizes her book in three
sections, asking us to help children develop empathy, practice empathy, and
live empathy by becoming upstanders and changemakers. This is a good book to recommend to parents and
guardians to read, and from which teachers and administrators can share excerpts
for discussion or in school newsletters.
As well, teachers will find the book chock full of games, discussion
prompts, and classroom fundamentals to lay a foundation of empathy building.
Borba cites numerous and
varied studies throughout the book, always pointing to the importance of
empathy in children’s achievement and success as well as in their development
as compassionate and courageous human beings.
Using the phrase “Empathy Advantage,” she is clearly aiming to make
believers out of achievement-oriented parents/guardians and teachers. She reminds us that empathy can (and must) be
cultivated, practiced, taught, and encouraged.
Borba starts by citing studies
that identify dropping levels of empathy, increased cruelty to peers, more
cheating, and higher incidences of mental health issues in today’s youth. (See Introduction pages xv-xvi for details.)
In Part One: Developing Empathy,
Borba suggests numerous ways to teach emotional literacy, encouraging us to
tune in to each other and tune out the distractions of digital devices. With age-by-age strategies in Chapter 1, she suggests
such steps as creating “sacred family times” without digital media use, eating
together, reading and discussing books about feelings, and taking time to
discuss feelings with both boys and girls.
(See pages 21-24 for details.) In
Chapter 2, Borba discusses ways to help children develop moral identities and
ethical codes. Countering the
“self-esteem” building trends, she asks us to avoid nurturing narcissism and
instead nurture altruism in our children.
She shares such practical strategies as holding family meetings,
identifying family values, creating moral mottos, acting as role models for
ethical and caring behavior, and sharing strategies to help children monitor
their own behavior: “Grandma Test: Would I do it if my grandma heard about it?”
or “3Rs Test: Could it damage my relationships or reputation, or
might I regret it later?” (See pages 34-45 for details.) In Chapter 3, Borba describes practical ways
to help children understand the perspectives (and feelings) of others. Calling this ability to “gateway to
empathy,” she invites parents and teachers to ask children to “Do it over,” Role
play from the other side, “ and “Freeze and think,” about how their actions
have affected others. Rather than spanking,
yelling, shaming, or rewarding children, Borba asks adults to plainly explain
why an action is hurtful, to express disappointment in selfish behavior, or
help the child/teen recognize how their actions impact others. This type of “inductive discipline” activates
empathy. (See pages 50-70 for details.) Finally, in Chapter 4, Borba discusses using
literature and movies to develop empathy.
Citing research that suggest digital reading is less conducive to
promoting reading enjoyment, she urges children (and families) to share REAL
books (especially fiction) to learn about other cultures, others’ feelings, and
new perspectives. Further, she invites
us to pose “What if?” and “How Would You Feel?” questions as we read or discuss
literature with children and students. A
list of age-by-age strategies to promote moral imagination concludes the
chapter and the section. (See pages 76-92
for details.)
Part Two: Practicing Empathy begins with Chapter 5 and examples of techniques to
promote children’s ability to self-regulate their emotions. The ability to self-regulate allows children
to both calm themselves as well as recognize others’ needs. Yet, in our high-stress society, Borba
worries (and research acknowledges) that stress promotes violent and selfish
behavior and inhibits compassion. Thus,
she suggests ways parents, teachers, and coaches can model calmness and teach
self-control, using mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing, identifying
our bodies’ signals, and using positive message “self talk.” (See pages 98-116 for details.) In Chapter 6, after citing scientific studies
asserting that kindness is catching (and leads to personal happiness), Borba
cites many examples of school children practicing daily acts of kindness. Harvard University’s “Making Caring Common”
Initiative has publicized disturbing evidence that students perceive that their
parents value achievement over kindness.
To counter this trend, Borba asks us to actively teach kindness and show
children how important it is. Again she
asks us to model kindness, and she gives examples of family and classroom
kindness “rituals” that go beyond monetary rewards. Kindness pledges, kindness jars, kindness
walls all help children to build kindness into daily actions. (See pages 125-140 for details.) Chapter 7 invites us to boost “us” and “we”
thinking. She wants us to build recess
into our school schedules and free-play time into our children’s lives to allow
children to build collaborative and problem solving skills. Citing Elliot Aronson’s psychological
research, she promotes cooperative learning groups in school as a way to allow
children to get to know each other by working together on structured
tasks. She also encourages us to use
such activities as Mix It Up Day, family meetings, cooperative games, and youth
service groups to enable kids (and families) to work with a variety of people
on meaningful tasks. See pages 152-164
for details.)
So how to bring empathy into
action? This is the topic of Part
Three: Living Empathy. In
Chapter 8, Borba shines a spotlight on kids who stick their necks out and
demonstrate moral courage. She discusses
factors that encourage children and adults to be bystanders rather than
upstanders: “Powerlessness,” “Vague expectations,” “Peer pressure,” “The
diffusion of responsibility,” “Empathy arousal (feeling too bad to help),” and
“Weak adult support.” How can we encourage
children to help? We can expect them to
help, set examples ourselves, show them examples of heroic people, stop solving
their problems for them, and using baby steps to larger acts of heroism and
helpfulness. With pneumonic devices, Michele Borba offers parents, teachers,
coaches, and kids steps for such empathetic actions as intervening to stop
bullying. “STANDUP,” for example,
reminds kids to Seek Support, Tell a Trusted Adult, Assist the Victim, Negate
(rumors, insults) with a Positive View, Design a Detour, Use a Distraction, and
Pause and Rethink (See pages 178-182 for details.) Finally, in Chapter 9, Borba asks us to empower
children to become “changemakers.” Using
steps very congenial with our “Think-Care-Act Project” model, Borba suggests we
help children see themselves through a “growth Mindset” lens, able to develop
empathy and exercise it increasingly effectively. Next we emphasize effort over results, and
suggest practice and evaluation. (See
pages 201-213 for details.)
Classroom/School Applications:
1.
Share articles
with families to invite them to be part of the process of teaching empathy.
a. Harvard’s Making Caring Common Initiative offers a concise four-page list of
suggestions for families to use with children to build empathy: http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/files/gse-mcc/files/empathy.pdf
b.
Share The
Atlantic’s article on Denmark’s program to teach empathy in schools: http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2016/08/the-us-empathy-gap/494975/
2.
The book is chock
full of practical mini-lessons as well as larger projects. Try some of the breathing exercises on page
113, for example:
a.
“Buddy Breathing:”
Sit back-to-back and try to match breaths while deeply breathing.
b.
“Belly Buddies:”
Children recline with stuffed animal or pretty stone on tummy, and feel it go
up and down with deep breathing.
c.
“Candles and
Flowers:” Child imagines breathing in a flower and blowing out candles.
3.
Consider
undertaking Think-Care-Act Projects
in your school by grade level or in your own class. Detailed rationales, resources, handouts, and
directions can be found on my blog: http://thinkcareact.blogspot.jp/2014/11/change-world-local-global-think-care.html
4.
Try some of these
classroom activities, described by Character.org: http://character.org/lessons/lesson-plans/
“Mobilizing children’s moral courage to be
Upstanders may be our best hope to stop peer cruelty,” says Michele Borba (p.
181). It also may be key to the quality
of our children’s lives and our development as true human beings.
Susan Gelber Cannon
August 2016